Breathe

"Breathe," she thinks to herself. 

The car pulls into their parking spot

 and she knows her time is running low. 

Words are caught in her throat, and her courage is withering too. 

Her heart is pounding in her chest, her mouth feels really dry. 

"I've got to do this now", she thinks, "it's the only chance I have left"

Her mom turns off the engine and the silence completely surrounds her. 

She bites her lip harder and again she doubts herself, 

"No I'll do it tomorrow" she resigns. 

Her mom reaches for the door to leave

But a voice inside her shouts,

"Do this for yourself. Or tomorrow you'll live with this regret". 

"Wait," she says in barely a whisper. 

She wonders if her mom could even hear her. 

But instead of leaving, her mom turns and catches her eye. 

"Everything's about to change," she thinks just one last time. 

She feels the temperature drop a little 

And she knows the time has come. 

"Breathe", she reminds herself, "she will understand". 

"There's something I have to tell you" she says, gathering all the courage she can. 

Her mom sits back in her seat, as if she knows something big is on the horizon,

and she braces herself for the unexpected. 

She swallows her fears and clears her throat before she finally speaks. 

"You know I love you," she says to her mom, "and I never want to hurt you..

But there's this boy in my life, and I love him too

I know that it's hard for you to understand, 

but he's has become my dearest friend.  

He makes me laugh until my stomach hurts 

And loves me so much my heart could burst. 

I know this will take time for all of us to work out

But isn't that what family is all about?

I understand your uncertainty and your hesitation

But in the end, I hope you support me and my decision."

She waits for the explosion to happen but it never comes. 

Neither does the wave of disappointment or the utter regret. 

Instead she feels a flood of relief and her whole body relaxes 

"Breathe" she says again, "now the hardest part is over". 

The Rising Sun

It all began when I pushed open the heavy door and took my first wary step onto the slippery wet floor.

The trees that once stood sting and intact lost their branches as casualties in the night's war.

Fallen leaves and rubbish are scattered across a once seemingly clean floor.

The drainage, although never clean enough to drink, has now gained a brown color, tainted by the dirt and rubbish that the storm brought ashore.

With a gust of wind, a gasp of fresh air moved from my lips to my lungs leaving a chill in my core.

It was easy to look through rose gold lenses and pretend the world was perfect before.

But now, with the rising sun reality has set in and we know we must do more.

The Sun Will Always Rise

Lightening strikes and thunder bolts rumble, as a storm slowly gains momentum before it rains down on the world below it.

Water pours from the sky with such force that it feels like the tiny droplets have joined together in an army,
and are charging forward,
ready to wage war with gravity.

Water accumulates, crashing down on the earth below, destroying flowerbeds and over-saturating the soil with the very nutrient it needs to survive.

Then suddenly, the worst is over and the pitter patter of the rain begins to soften into a soothing lullaby.

The dark night begins to fade; the harsh storm now a forgotten memory, although its scars can still be seen.

Clouds, now much lighter, can easily give way to the newly rising sun, preparing to heal the wounds the storm left behind with its warmth.

I'm a worse case scenario type person.

I'm a worse case scenario type person. 

And that's not some Millennial way of telling you I'm scared or fear new things. 

This is something that literally defines me in every moment, every second of my life.

It means when you're thinking "what's the  worst that can happen?" 

I'm imagining it and weighing my odds thinking "but what if it does happen?"

When I was younger, I was playing on the stairs with my cousin and in the very moment I looked away he suddenly got off balance and fell. 

"He could have hit his head". My aunt told me later. "He could have died"

"But he didn't," I argued back, more so because I was ashamed. 

"He didn't. But he could have. Is that a risk you're willing to take?" she'd said. 

So now when you tell me I'm too uptight or expect me to calm down or relax, I can't help but do just the opposite. 

I hear her words echo in my head and my whole body tenses up in of fear of letting something slide. 

Years later, I stared at the ceiling through tears in my eyes wondering how my best friend could just forget all about me. 

I thought about all the time we had spent together and felt rejected and abandoned. 

"Was it worth it? Was any of it real?" I found myself asking that day in the dark room

Did all those great memories make the pain feel like less?

So now when you say I love you, I imagine all the ways you could be trying to manipulate me.

 And how these words so sweet out of your mouth are drenched in expectation. 

I imagine the pain I'll feel when I'm no longer good enough or when you're simply bored of me. 

I think about all the worst parts about me and how one day I'll drive you away. 

You ask me why I think so much, why I bite my lip and stare blankly into the distance. 

This is why. This is me. I'm a worst case scenario type person. 

Let Us Be Like Trees

Let us not be like flowers who reel in people with their beautiful fragrance and then hurt them with their thorns.
Let us not be like flowers who are weak and so easily swayed by the blows of the wind.
Let us be like trees, who soak in only the good of the soil around them.
Let us be like trees who give oxygen, shelter, shade and fruit to all the creatures in the world and ask for nothing in return.
Let us be like trees, standing tall on our roots.

Let us be like trees.

Then and Now

 Then

The cold air surrounded me, only adding to my excitement. The colorful bright lights twinkled like the stars in the sky. I watched all the other kids running towards it, and watched them pick their favorite horses, each beautifully decorated with ornaments and colorful saddles. I clenched my moms shirt, insisting her to run faster. We had to make it on this round. We just had do. We ran and ran. I felt like my mom was slowing me down. So I ran faster, letting go of her, racing ahead, hoping to make it through the open iron gates. I could hear my mom calling out for me, "slow down, Anjali. It's crowded. I don't want you to get lost. " she was just looking out for me, but that didn't matter. I wanted to get on and so I ran faster. But just as I got close, I saw the lady with the vest shut the gate. I stopped in front of her, pleading her to let me go. "I'm sorry" she said "it's full. You'll just have to wait"

That's when my mom caught up to me, huffing and puffing. She took one look at me and saw my disappointment. "It's okay," she said as she patted my back, "now you get first pick!" And again I was excited, waiting for the doors to open. And when they did, I ran to the tan horse with the sparkling blue saddle. I stepped on the stirrup and tried to lift myself up but I got all off balance. "Woah there! " my mom said, "you should have waited for me." And she helped me up and fastened the seatbelt. And then she sat on the horse just slightly behind mine to be able to see me.

Then the ride began and the music blasted from the speakers above is. We began to revolve and somehow that made everything feel magical. I started to feel giddy and couldn't stop laughing.  I looked at my mom and she was happy too.

I watched the other kids get excited as they waved to their parents who were waiting on the sidelines and all of a sudden I felt excluded. I wanted that too.

Then the ride ended and I told my mom I wanted to go again. The line was short so she didn't mind and I stood in front of the iron gate. The lady smiled and said "back again" and I nodded excited. As we entered, I turned to my mom and said that this time I wanted to go all by myself. She seemed upset but she smiled and stepped back. The lady gave my mom a sympathetic smile as if to say "kids these days!" But it didn't  matter because the ride was about to begin.


Now.

Sometimes I wonder how we kids can be so selfish. Our parents slowed their pace so that we could keep up. They changed their whole world to make sure ours was perfect.  They forgave our every mistake an overlooked our every fault. But when it's our turn, we hesitate to return the favor. To shower them with limitless forgiveness and endless love.

Now that it's time for college I see myself wanting to break through my shell, to gain some space from my family, to take a step off the branch and try to fly. I find myself looking back on that day and remembering my moms disappointment and I wonder, am I making a mistake by wanting to be more independent? 

As I embark on my journey to college, I hear a voice inside me whisper, "Now the time has come to let go of your moms hand. But never forget how you got where you are. "

Life's Plan

When you are born, 
A path is made for you in pencil.
As you grow up, 
You erase and alter things 
As well as change parts into pen. 
You keep writing, changing
And entwining your lines with others, 
As well as cutting off some, 
Until there is no more paper left to write on.

Poetry

It helps you express bundled up feelings deep inside;

Like a true friend, it listens, in it you can confide.

Beautiful, peaceful, nice and sweet,

Or an angry army accepting defeat.

In an old diary full of pages,

Now, I've been writing for so many ages!

It brings be joy to write cute and fun poetry,

Showing them to my friends and us laughing with glee!

It is kind of unusual and funny you see,

Because now writing poetry has become a part of me.